First message
The moment I realize I have a problem isn’t when I meet him. It dawns on me gradually—a borrowed chapstick here, a lingering hug there. All things that should be innocent with my girlfriend Sierra’s best friend, but haunt me late at night when she’s asleep and my mind wanders.
It’d be fine if I could avoid him. I can’t. He and Sierra are always together, two peas in a pod. At first, I found myself jealous of how unfettered he was, how he seemed absolutely certain of himself and had no qualms about it. That jealousy transformed into something much more complicated.
I thought I knew who I was supposed to be. Luca Vega, wide receiver at University of Texas. Someone easy for everyone to love. Uncomplicated, uncontroversial, faithful.
Sitting here on my kitchen floor buzzed, cheap liquor oozing from my pores, being Luca has never felt more complicated.
Sierra’s out of town for her cousin’s wedding. I needed a quick release before bed, so I went online to find something that’d get the job done. But I kept clicking until suddenly there were no girls at all. Until all the boys looked like him.
I shouldn’t text him. I shouldn’t. I—
[luca v.] hey broski. ik it’s 2am but can u come over i’m having a weird night lol
I rub my face. I’m an idiot. I have three missed calls from Sierra—I was scared she’d somehow be able to tell I’d been crying—and I’m texting her best friend instead.
[luca v.] no worries if not.
Ten minutes later, there’s a knock on the door.
I open it.